Howler monkeys are not the featured entertainment

Your infant belongs in a proper carrier. This is not a stage and your baby is not the featured player.

Unless you're planning to tithe your brat to pay for your latte, it is NOT cute to have your wriggling bundle of joy squirming all over the place on top of the Starbucks counter.

Fact the first. I might want to buy that pack of macaroons, that CD or anything else your diseased crotch spawn thinks it is a good idea to put in his mouth.

Fact the second. The cashier has to actually handle the credit card your crotchling has been slobbering on in between nibbles on Sir Paul McCartney's latest audio offerings.

Fact the third. Your vagina fruit might fall off the counter while your babbling like a demented sheep to the other mommy-drones in your play group about the coffee beans, the aforementioned Sir Paul CDs, the newspaper, the yummy-looking but OMG so fattening pastries and the ZOMG fact that your other crotch spawn have to wear uniforms to public school this year. Seriously. You have a baby stroller the size of a Cadillac. Use it.

Fact the fourth. You are yammering away to the mommy drones and actually SHOPPING inside the Starbucks and aren't even paying attention when the woman asks you if you want to use your Duetto Visa as credit or Starbucks card. So seriously, don't explode when you get a receipt and the payment is not how you wanted it. You were yammering on about cold-press coffee and fifteen people heard you.

Fact the fifth. The same fifteen people are NOW WAITING EVEN LONGER because you cannot suck it up and deal and want a void. Which necessitates management, a re-ringing of your transactions and some nasty looks at the cashier on behalf of you and the mommy-drones. Seriously, if you knew what people were thinking when they were looking at you, you'd have tucked that receipt in your Louis Vuitton bag and run like a "friend" on one of Dick Cheney's hunting trips.