Keep track of it or give it to me to sell

If you cannot keep up with your howler monkeys, please do not bring them to shop. I will be happy to take it off your hands. Permanently. ONE HOWLER MONKEY FOR SALE. CHEAP!

The correct ratio of parent to howler monkey upon entering a big-box retailer should be one-to-one - unless there are ropes involved. Twin clauses and a possible in utero contract extension may be invoked to temporarily extend the ratio to a maximum of 1 parent - 3 children - given that you retain two with near-identical DNA and one is current womb fruit.

Being of the male persuasion (however ugly and possessing of man-boobs) and rolling in with FOUR howler monkeys is in certain violation of the Maximum Number of Howlers Per Adult Code. Please see the relevant statutes of the Fire Code, the Customer Service Code and the Reproductive Code.

Furthermore, when in the process of looking at Daddy Yankee CDs (instead of desperately needed grooming products), you mange to lose one howler and he wanders up to my counter howling like a wounded animal and you are unable to be found, my headache becomes your problem.

Yes, we should have called the cops. I wish we would have. Multiple pages in Spanish and English produced no result while there is a CHILD screaming at the top of his lungs and unable to communicate in any language other than "WAH, WAH, WAH, WAH."

If you do not want your howler monkeys, I will relieve you of the burden and sell them to Colombian slavers for a tidy profit. You don't deserve it anyway.

Howler monkeys are not the featured entertainment

Your infant belongs in a proper carrier. This is not a stage and your baby is not the featured player.

Unless you're planning to tithe your brat to pay for your latte, it is NOT cute to have your wriggling bundle of joy squirming all over the place on top of the Starbucks counter.

Fact the first. I might want to buy that pack of macaroons, that CD or anything else your diseased crotch spawn thinks it is a good idea to put in his mouth.

Fact the second. The cashier has to actually handle the credit card your crotchling has been slobbering on in between nibbles on Sir Paul McCartney's latest audio offerings.

Fact the third. Your vagina fruit might fall off the counter while your babbling like a demented sheep to the other mommy-drones in your play group about the coffee beans, the aforementioned Sir Paul CDs, the newspaper, the yummy-looking but OMG so fattening pastries and the ZOMG fact that your other crotch spawn have to wear uniforms to public school this year. Seriously. You have a baby stroller the size of a Cadillac. Use it.

Fact the fourth. You are yammering away to the mommy drones and actually SHOPPING inside the Starbucks and aren't even paying attention when the woman asks you if you want to use your Duetto Visa as credit or Starbucks card. So seriously, don't explode when you get a receipt and the payment is not how you wanted it. You were yammering on about cold-press coffee and fifteen people heard you.

Fact the fifth. The same fifteen people are NOW WAITING EVEN LONGER because you cannot suck it up and deal and want a void. Which necessitates management, a re-ringing of your transactions and some nasty looks at the cashier on behalf of you and the mommy-drones. Seriously, if you knew what people were thinking when they were looking at you, you'd have tucked that receipt in your Louis Vuitton bag and run like a "friend" on one of Dick Cheney's hunting trips.

If it takes a dump, change it

Your baby's stank diaper is more important than your shopping.

Ma'am, I don't know what you fed that fat little lump of baby-love, but ... there's no way around this ... it stinks like roadkill. Roadkill with a side of dead roadkill on a roadkill bun.

Corned beef and cabbage coming out the hind end of a Guinness-fueled Irishman at the end of a week-long bender would be preferable to the smell of that.

I can see a diaper bag. I can see diapers. The restroom is less than 20 feet away. Unless that bag is full of stolen merchandise, please, for the love of Cthulu, put a fresh diaper on it. Can't you hear it screaming in aggravation? But damn, you're going to stand right here and argue over $1.64 on the price of a clearance shirt aren't you?

A screaming baby is bad enough. One that smells so bad other customers are asking me if there is something wrong is too much. And it just keeps howling louder. No. Reaching an arm back to "shush" it isn't going to work. You need to give it some attention.

Please. If you cannot care for it, do not have it. It is not just a source of "free mawney frum de gubbermint." It is a human life. One that right now smells like the day after at an Indian food bazaar.

Lung power is not an Olympic sport

If you child is screaming, shut it up or find out why it is screaming.

I don't expect a shopping mall to be quiet. There's too much stimulation for children. However, if your howler monkey has enough sheer lung power to cut through the clutter of a Friday night food court and drive me out of the mall from 50 feet away - you have a problem.

I don't know why it is screaming. It doesn't look hurt. It is standing on two feet. There are no tears. Some sibling howler monkeys are standing next to it. Shrieks that would drive an army of banshees straight out of the depths of hell are emerging from this child.

If it is making enough noise to raise the dead and bury the living, either its appendix is about to explode or it really wants a damn cookie.

In either case, no acceptable parenting option includes standing around like a dime-store mannequin while your child shouts down the house. Is it hurt? Is it in pain? Is it in imminent danger of dying? No? Then cram a diaper, a dirty sock, a slice of pizza or a just about anything handy (other than your fist - hitting is never an option) into its mouth.

Do humanity a couple of favors. #1) Don't breed. #2) Pay some attention to your kids. #3) Distribute earplugs.

Tie it to a chair if it won't sit down

If it won't sit down, tie it to the chair and gag it. With corn on the cob. Better yet, leave it at home.

Restaurants are not a natural habitat for howler monkeys. Dining establishments should never devolve into a zoo. I don't care where it is - white tablecloth and cut crystal decanters right down to plastic booths - no one wants to see (or hear) your crotchlings running races in the aisles as servers carrying trays laden with SIZZLING HOT DISHES dodge them.

I appreciate you want family time. However, learning begins at home. Suck it up, get your face out of the plate of nachos and tie your howler monkey's tail to the chair. If that Awesome Blossom is so important, get it to go and spare us your spawn!

If it cries, screams, howls and otherwise bleats for attention, that should be a clue that YOU have heretofore failed as a parent. Go back two spaces and start over in teaching your child to sit down, shut up and behave in public.

PS: No howler monkey can reasonably be expected to sit through a two-hour family reunion drunk-fest with drinks, appetizers and meals for 15 people. You suck. Get a babysitter. The children don't care and will soon start throwing French fries in frustration. Be glad it's not me. I'd throw glassware.

No child can sit still for an hour

Would you bring a child to a job interview? No? Then don't bring it to fill out the application.

The Wal-Mart has a computerized hiring center. It is the usual "work history" type thing PLUS an 80-question test that wants to know how likely you are to steal by asking you sneaky questions. It takes about 45 minutes to an hour. For some reason, parents think it is OK to bring their children while they fill out the application.

Whole families sometimes make it an outing. I've seen three generations. It's another added feature of Wal-Mart. Shopping. Banking. Hair Styling. Photo Studio. Nail Salon. Boring Typing!

No child can remain quiet for an hour. Especially not an infant. Not in a busy retail environment. They howl and scream and throw things and cause the parent to go "SHUSH." Really, that don't work.

Pick your children up off the floor

If children cannot sit in the designated child seat on the buggy or stand quietly while you conduct business, leave them at home.

Flame me or not, but you need to control your child. I think there should be intelligence tests before child-bearing, but that's just me.

Do not allow your howler monkey to lie on the floor of a discount store. It will catch something nasty. I believe in Darwinism, but seriously, do you know how many stanky feet have been on that?

Your crippled parenting skills should not be put on display for everyone in a 50 decibel radius to hear. And ignoring the child while it throws a temper tantrum does not work when in public. It already has attention. It knows everyone is looking at it.

Look - that kid could shout down the walls of Jericho - you might want to see why he's lying on his stomach, pounding the floor and screaming MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY. Everyone else within earshot is certainly wondering what the hell is going on. But you don't notice that while you're yakking away on your phone, even though you keep making "shush" noises at a three-year-old.