Your baby's stank diaper is more important than your shopping.
Ma'am, I don't know what you fed that fat little lump of baby-love, but ... there's no way around this ... it stinks like roadkill. Roadkill with a side of dead roadkill on a roadkill bun.
Corned beef and cabbage coming out the hind end of a Guinness-fueled Irishman at the end of a week-long bender would be preferable to the smell of that.
I can see a diaper bag. I can see diapers. The restroom is less than 20 feet away. Unless that bag is full of stolen merchandise, please, for the love of Cthulu, put a fresh diaper on it. Can't you hear it screaming in aggravation? But damn, you're going to stand right here and argue over $1.64 on the price of a clearance shirt aren't you?
A screaming baby is bad enough. One that smells so bad other customers are asking me if there is something wrong is too much. And it just keeps howling louder. No. Reaching an arm back to "shush" it isn't going to work. You need to give it some attention.
Please. If you cannot care for it, do not have it. It is not just a source of "free mawney frum de gubbermint." It is a human life. One that right now smells like the day after at an Indian food bazaar.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Lung power is not an Olympic sport
If you child is screaming, shut it up or find out why it is screaming.
I don't expect a shopping mall to be quiet. There's too much stimulation for children. However, if your howler monkey has enough sheer lung power to cut through the clutter of a Friday night food court and drive me out of the mall from 50 feet away - you have a problem.
I don't know why it is screaming. It doesn't look hurt. It is standing on two feet. There are no tears. Some sibling howler monkeys are standing next to it. Shrieks that would drive an army of banshees straight out of the depths of hell are emerging from this child.
If it is making enough noise to raise the dead and bury the living, either its appendix is about to explode or it really wants a damn cookie.
In either case, no acceptable parenting option includes standing around like a dime-store mannequin while your child shouts down the house. Is it hurt? Is it in pain? Is it in imminent danger of dying? No? Then cram a diaper, a dirty sock, a slice of pizza or a just about anything handy (other than your fist - hitting is never an option) into its mouth.
Do humanity a couple of favors. #1) Don't breed. #2) Pay some attention to your kids. #3) Distribute earplugs.
I don't expect a shopping mall to be quiet. There's too much stimulation for children. However, if your howler monkey has enough sheer lung power to cut through the clutter of a Friday night food court and drive me out of the mall from 50 feet away - you have a problem.
I don't know why it is screaming. It doesn't look hurt. It is standing on two feet. There are no tears. Some sibling howler monkeys are standing next to it. Shrieks that would drive an army of banshees straight out of the depths of hell are emerging from this child.
If it is making enough noise to raise the dead and bury the living, either its appendix is about to explode or it really wants a damn cookie.
In either case, no acceptable parenting option includes standing around like a dime-store mannequin while your child shouts down the house. Is it hurt? Is it in pain? Is it in imminent danger of dying? No? Then cram a diaper, a dirty sock, a slice of pizza or a just about anything handy (other than your fist - hitting is never an option) into its mouth.
Do humanity a couple of favors. #1) Don't breed. #2) Pay some attention to your kids. #3) Distribute earplugs.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Tie it to a chair if it won't sit down
If it won't sit down, tie it to the chair and gag it. With corn on the cob. Better yet, leave it at home.
Restaurants are not a natural habitat for howler monkeys. Dining establishments should never devolve into a zoo. I don't care where it is - white tablecloth and cut crystal decanters right down to plastic booths - no one wants to see (or hear) your crotchlings running races in the aisles as servers carrying trays laden with SIZZLING HOT DISHES dodge them.
I appreciate you want family time. However, learning begins at home. Suck it up, get your face out of the plate of nachos and tie your howler monkey's tail to the chair. If that Awesome Blossom is so important, get it to go and spare us your spawn!
If it cries, screams, howls and otherwise bleats for attention, that should be a clue that YOU have heretofore failed as a parent. Go back two spaces and start over in teaching your child to sit down, shut up and behave in public.
PS: No howler monkey can reasonably be expected to sit through a two-hour family reunion drunk-fest with drinks, appetizers and meals for 15 people. You suck. Get a babysitter. The children don't care and will soon start throwing French fries in frustration. Be glad it's not me. I'd throw glassware.
Restaurants are not a natural habitat for howler monkeys. Dining establishments should never devolve into a zoo. I don't care where it is - white tablecloth and cut crystal decanters right down to plastic booths - no one wants to see (or hear) your crotchlings running races in the aisles as servers carrying trays laden with SIZZLING HOT DISHES dodge them.
I appreciate you want family time. However, learning begins at home. Suck it up, get your face out of the plate of nachos and tie your howler monkey's tail to the chair. If that Awesome Blossom is so important, get it to go and spare us your spawn!
If it cries, screams, howls and otherwise bleats for attention, that should be a clue that YOU have heretofore failed as a parent. Go back two spaces and start over in teaching your child to sit down, shut up and behave in public.
PS: No howler monkey can reasonably be expected to sit through a two-hour family reunion drunk-fest with drinks, appetizers and meals for 15 people. You suck. Get a babysitter. The children don't care and will soon start throwing French fries in frustration. Be glad it's not me. I'd throw glassware.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
No child can sit still for an hour
Would you bring a child to a job interview? No? Then don't bring it to fill out the application.
The Wal-Mart has a computerized hiring center. It is the usual "work history" type thing PLUS an 80-question test that wants to know how likely you are to steal by asking you sneaky questions. It takes about 45 minutes to an hour. For some reason, parents think it is OK to bring their children while they fill out the application.
Whole families sometimes make it an outing. I've seen three generations. It's another added feature of Wal-Mart. Shopping. Banking. Hair Styling. Photo Studio. Nail Salon. Boring Typing!
No child can remain quiet for an hour. Especially not an infant. Not in a busy retail environment. They howl and scream and throw things and cause the parent to go "SHUSH." Really, that don't work.
The Wal-Mart has a computerized hiring center. It is the usual "work history" type thing PLUS an 80-question test that wants to know how likely you are to steal by asking you sneaky questions. It takes about 45 minutes to an hour. For some reason, parents think it is OK to bring their children while they fill out the application.
Whole families sometimes make it an outing. I've seen three generations. It's another added feature of Wal-Mart. Shopping. Banking. Hair Styling. Photo Studio. Nail Salon. Boring Typing!
No child can remain quiet for an hour. Especially not an infant. Not in a busy retail environment. They howl and scream and throw things and cause the parent to go "SHUSH." Really, that don't work.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Pick your children up off the floor
If children cannot sit in the designated child seat on the buggy or stand quietly while you conduct business, leave them at home.
Flame me or not, but you need to control your child. I think there should be intelligence tests before child-bearing, but that's just me.
Do not allow your howler monkey to lie on the floor of a discount store. It will catch something nasty. I believe in Darwinism, but seriously, do you know how many stanky feet have been on that?
Your crippled parenting skills should not be put on display for everyone in a 50 decibel radius to hear. And ignoring the child while it throws a temper tantrum does not work when in public. It already has attention. It knows everyone is looking at it.
Look - that kid could shout down the walls of Jericho - you might want to see why he's lying on his stomach, pounding the floor and screaming MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY. Everyone else within earshot is certainly wondering what the hell is going on. But you don't notice that while you're yakking away on your phone, even though you keep making "shush" noises at a three-year-old.
Flame me or not, but you need to control your child. I think there should be intelligence tests before child-bearing, but that's just me.
Do not allow your howler monkey to lie on the floor of a discount store. It will catch something nasty. I believe in Darwinism, but seriously, do you know how many stanky feet have been on that?
Your crippled parenting skills should not be put on display for everyone in a 50 decibel radius to hear. And ignoring the child while it throws a temper tantrum does not work when in public. It already has attention. It knows everyone is looking at it.
Look - that kid could shout down the walls of Jericho - you might want to see why he's lying on his stomach, pounding the floor and screaming MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY. Everyone else within earshot is certainly wondering what the hell is going on. But you don't notice that while you're yakking away on your phone, even though you keep making "shush" noises at a three-year-old.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
You are the adult, not the child
Strong boundaries are a sign of good parenting. If you are old enough to have children, stop acting like one.
If your parents failed with you, you need to recognize and correct. The rest of the world will not forgive their mistakes. In fact, those nasty looks are indeed aimed squarely at you and your howler monkeys.
Parking your three children in front of the register at Starbucks at 8:55 a.m. and saying “Do you want this? What about this? Or this?” Repeat in triplicate while a mob grows behind you.
If you MUST, give children a choice. Juice or milk. Apple or banana. Cookie or muffin. In my childhood, I took what I was given and was grateful for it.
Your precious num-nums will eat and drink or go hungry and thirsty and appreciate what they have next time. And the rest of the working poor can get finally step around your Cadillac-sized stroller, Louis Vuitton bag stuffed full of crap, Chanel sunglasses and Ralph Lauren outfit for our $5 half-caf, no-foam, no-whip venti chai lattes and get to work.
If your parents failed with you, you need to recognize and correct. The rest of the world will not forgive their mistakes. In fact, those nasty looks are indeed aimed squarely at you and your howler monkeys.
Parking your three children in front of the register at Starbucks at 8:55 a.m. and saying “Do you want this? What about this? Or this?” Repeat in triplicate while a mob grows behind you.
If you MUST, give children a choice. Juice or milk. Apple or banana. Cookie or muffin. In my childhood, I took what I was given and was grateful for it.
Your precious num-nums will eat and drink or go hungry and thirsty and appreciate what they have next time. And the rest of the working poor can get finally step around your Cadillac-sized stroller, Louis Vuitton bag stuffed full of crap, Chanel sunglasses and Ralph Lauren outfit for our $5 half-caf, no-foam, no-whip venti chai lattes and get to work.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Food is for the dinner table
Please do not feed the howler monkeys.
Shopping trips to Wal-Mart do not necessitate packing a "snacky-poo" for your child. Anything other than a bottle for an obviously newborn infant is just creating bad habits that someone else is going to have to break at a future point in time.
Coming to Wal-Mart should not be so tiring for a child to have the Service Desk be the home of a Gerber Graduates yummy yams feeding. If it is your child's meal time, you need to be at home - not returning merchandise.
If they shriek like banshees for food, you have several problems.
First, you need to smack them to make them lower their voices in public. Yelling is not an acceptable way to communicate. No one is dying or in imminent danger of achieving that state. Shut up and stay shut up.
Next, you need to create regular meal times and stick to that.
Finally, you do not need to be running around with small children at 10 p.m. on a Sunday night. Go home. Dogs and retail slaves with sensitive ears will thank you.
Shopping trips to Wal-Mart do not necessitate packing a "snacky-poo" for your child. Anything other than a bottle for an obviously newborn infant is just creating bad habits that someone else is going to have to break at a future point in time.
Coming to Wal-Mart should not be so tiring for a child to have the Service Desk be the home of a Gerber Graduates yummy yams feeding. If it is your child's meal time, you need to be at home - not returning merchandise.
If they shriek like banshees for food, you have several problems.
First, you need to smack them to make them lower their voices in public. Yelling is not an acceptable way to communicate. No one is dying or in imminent danger of achieving that state. Shut up and stay shut up.
Next, you need to create regular meal times and stick to that.
Finally, you do not need to be running around with small children at 10 p.m. on a Sunday night. Go home. Dogs and retail slaves with sensitive ears will thank you.
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